Wednesday, 14 November 2018

Me, Myself And Depression

To the outside world everything was great, I was the smiling bubbly blonde who was getting attention,  working out everyday, really changing my life around. Instead of my old pouty pictures, everyday would see me portraying the image of a bubbly blonde who goes out all the time through beaming smiling selfies whereas in reality, I was absolutely miserable.
To really get the whole picture I have to take you back to March 2018 when I strongly believed my life was changing for the best and I thought I could have it all. Back in March I would work out 6 days a week, I was constantly on the go, I had just bought my own car and to top it off I had just scored my dream job. Of course I was devastated to be leaving my old job, it was stability and routine. Not to mention I got to work with my friends everyday but this in my eyes was an adventure and I didn't think life could get any better. I was the happiest I had been in years.
It wasn't long before I realised this new job wasn't what I dreamt it would be and I was slowly crumbling to pieces. If you have ever worked in a toxic environment you'll know what it feels like and if you haven't, then count yourself lucky and I hope you never do. 
I would wake up at 6am every morning and cry for half an hour before plastering myself in makeup and putting on the biggest fakest smile all day. I'd hold back the tears from 9-6 and then each and every day I'd have to pull in the car on the way home and cry again. 
I would drive past my old workplace and have to hold in the tears, I gave up such a great job to be miserable everyday. Yes I was on double the money and yes this job was helping my career but if there's one piece of advice I can give anyone reading this it's that 'the grass isn't always greener and your mental health needs to come first' 
What was so bad about the place you might ask? well, when you go into a workplace daily and get cut down and bullied it's not long before enough's enough and you have to make the decision between your own mental health and staying employed. What I did learn though is - don't report bullying in the workplace because you'll become unemployed and trust me that's not something you want to be. 

The first week of unemployment was great, I had enough savings to keep me going and for the first time in months I was smiling again but as days turned into weeks, bills still to pay and with no job under my belt I had to choice but to do the one thing I never wanted to do, sign on social welfare. I would never belittle anyone who is on welfare once they are looking and available to work, it has to be done but for me at 22, this was not what I had in mind. I was getting €107 a week and with a €60 car loan as well as other bills hanging over my head my life changed drastically and I had approx €15 weekly to spend on myself and food for the week.

Two weeks on, towards the end of July is when the - I don't want to say depression but the 'sadness' really started hitting home. There's no bones about it I was poor. I couldn't afford my gym membership, my car tax or my glasses that I had been paying in on all along but worst of all my Insomnia came back. 
I had suffered with Insomnia during my leaving cert about five years ago and it was the one thing I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Each and every night I would go to bed around 11pm and 5am I would still be lying there wide awake. WHY ME!!! Why can't I find a job, Why can't I sleep, Why can't I just be happy??!! 

It wasn't long before the insomnia took it's toll and I started getting sicker and sicker with itchy red rashes breaking out all over my body. Going to see a doctor was no option with his €50 fee before you even walk in the door but It constantly felt like something was eating my body and with that I started eating more and more and gained weight. 
 'I think I hate my life' - An opening to one of Avicii's songs would constantly go around in my head like a record and it's only then I realised I couldn't fight it anymore and I was depressed. 

The thing about depression is people don't realise that you are depressed until you tell them and even at that sometimes they don't believe you 'ah you're not, it's just a hard time'. No, let me tell you right now there's a difference between depressed and 'being sad' and that’s something people struggle to accept. I had never struggled with my mental health before and I never thought I would but after going through everything I truthfully believe there’s nothing more important than it.

I started writing this post way back in the summer but refused to post it until I was back on my feet and 100% happy, my blog has never been a place for negativity so instead of writing this as a sad story it’s my comeback story and I’m delighted to say everything worked out and I couldn’t be happier. In September my old job gave me another chance and there hasn’t been one day where I’ve woken up and dreaded going to work.
I wake up smiling everyday. I’m back to where I belong with amazing supportive people, a job I like and financial stability and I believe sometimes things have to happen in order for you to see how good you have it and to make you appreciate the things you do have, especially a strong mental health.

Do I want to name and shame? Absolutely but is it worth a second thought? Definitely not. It’s a part of my life I don’t want to think about but I don’t regret it for one second. I’m in the best place I’ve ever been, I’m happy, I’m content and I’m a stronger person. For anyone out there who’s in a bad place mentally trust me it does get better, if you’re in a job you hate or you’re being bullied the GET OUT!! life is too short to feel like this and there’s something else out there. Everything gets better even though you might not think it will.
Please look out for your own mental health and do the same for your friends because I never realised how important it actually is. Yes I was depressed but I’m strong, I got through it and you can do it too!!